Doom: The Novel: The Finale

Doomguy is in trouble. When we last saw him, Doomguy was reminiscing and lamenting a lost love, and he decided it was time to move on. Did he move on? I don't know, you tell me. Let us now go back to Mars and finish the story of DOOM.

Chapter 6

Honor. That’s what they had promised him when he joined the Corps. Honor. Blood, guts, and honor. Does honor include unloading a shotgun in a Hell demon’s face? Heh, depends on who you ask. Most people would tell you you’re crazy to ask something like that. But not Doomguy. Doomguy would ask you where the demon is at and if it brought any friends along. Heh. Honor. Webster’s dictionary defines honor as “respect that it given to someone who is admired, good reputation, good quality or character as judged by other people, and high moral standards of behavior.” Maybe it was time to add demon slaying to that definition. Doomguy made a mental note to write an email to Webster when he got back home. Doomguy was thinking about this as he entered the Central Processing area. He was on the hunt for more bad guys of all shapes and sizes. Doomguy didn’t discriminate when it came to blowing dudes away. Shooting bad guys was his business and well, you know the rest. Just another day in Hell on Mars.

Chapter 7

Ingredients

½ pound ground beef

½ pound ground pork

1 egg

½ cup cheese cracker crumbs

½ teaspoon cumin

½ teaspoon chili powder

1 teaspoon red pepper flakes

½ cup ketchup

1 tablespoon mustard

1 tablespoon honey

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C)
2. In a large mixing bowl, combine the beef, pork, egg, cracker crumbs, cumin, chili powder, and red pepper flakes.
3. Form into a loaf shape and place in a greased 5x9 inch loaf pan.
4. In a separate bowl, combine the ketchup, mustard, and honey.
5. Cover the meatloaf with the ketchup, mustard, and honey mix.
6. Bake for one hour.

Chapter 8

“NOW APPROACHING PHOBOS ANOMALY.” The shrill computerized voice of the transport crackled as Doomguy approached the final area of the Phobos base. Stepping inside he saw a giant glowing pool of toxic waste surrounded by a horde of those pink, hairless demons. Why were there so many pools and canals filled with that glowing toxic waste. Surely that had to be some kind of OSHA violation. There weren’t even any guard rails around those pools and canals. That’s definitely an OSHA violation right there. Doomguy is going to give the Marines HR representative a real piece of his mind when this is all over. Wiping out the horde of demons was easy thanks to the uncovered barrels of explosive toxic waste that happened to be surrounding the giant glowing pool of toxic waste. One blast from Doomguy’s trusty shotty and they were all dead. Exploded by toxic waste. Doomguy followed a long tunnel lit by torches with skulls for bases! Skulls! This didn’t look good. All of a sudden Doomguy was attacked by two screamin’ demons the likes of which he’s never seen around these or any parts. These guys were a couple of tough cookies. They were pink like the other demons but walked like men and threw green fire from their hands. Thankfully their magical green fireballs moved through the air with the speed of a paperwad thrown by a third grader, so Doomguy was able to easily dodge them and blow the demons to smithereens with his chaingun. Suddenly the walls disappeared! Doomguy was then teleported to a dark room full of bad guys of all shapes and sizes. It was a veritable rainbow coalition of evil! Sorta like those clowns in congress, eh? Doomguy ran around in circles shooting his chaingun, but to no avail. Suddenly everything went black and Doomguy saw naught else. He was dead. Or was he?

Epilogue

The smell of rotten meat filled his nose. Doomguy woke up gagging. “What the hell happened?” he said to himself. He was laying on the dirty ground with a pistol beside him. Where did his big guns go? Who knows. Doomguy sat up and looked out the window. “Looks like the Deimos base.” he said. Suddenly he heard the sounds of demons and shotguns. “Looks like it’s time to go back to work.” he said aloud. And he did. THE END?

Doom: The Novel Chapters 4 & 5

Doomguy just can't get a break. When we last saw him, Doomguy was boarding an elevator for a secret military base. Did he survive? What did he find there? One of those questions will be answered today. Let us now go back to Mars and continue the story of DOOM.

Chapter 4

The door to the Mars US Marine Command Control Center swung open. Doomguy stepped inside. He was hurt. He was hurt bad. Real bad. His face was all bloody and his bright blue armor was covered with bullet holes and burns from demon guys. “I need a vacation” he thought aloud. “That secret military base was crazy. But that’s a story for another time.” Indeed it was. The wall to the left of Doomguy looked weird. He walked up to it. He felt a draft. He was trying to listen to the wall with is ear, but he accidentally tripped and pressed on the wall real hard. Suddenly it opened up like a door. It was a secret room! Inside the room was a first aid kit, a box of shotgun shells, and a backpack full of ammo. Doomguy was so happy to see all of this cool stuff. He loaded up his trusty shotty, put some bandaids on his bullet holes, drank some medicine, and slung the backpack over his muscular shoulders. “Come get some!” he said. Doomguy was really muscular. On his muscles you could see his veins and everything. He walked into a big room and there were bad guys on the ledges up high. He had to run fast to get away. He got to a place where he could shoot them and he shot them all dead. He came upon a big room shaped like a circle. There was a funny looking silver suit with a helmet hanging on an official US military coat rack. It was an anti-radiation suit. “That’s a cool suit” thought Doomguy. I bet it’ll come in handy. He grabbed it and was on his way. At about that time he noticed the river. The river of toxic sludge. “Thank god I found that rad-suit. Let’s see where this goes.” He put on the suit. It felt good against his rippling muscles. “Perfect fit.” He smiled. Doomguy jumped down into the slime canal. He ran to the left! There was a bald shotgun guy surrounded by ammo! “I think I should take all of this!” he said, shooting the shotgun guy in the process. There was an elevator nearby. Doomguy flipped the switch and was on his way up. At the top of the elevator there was another soulsphere! He grabbed it. Damn, it felt good to be a gangster. A gangster US Marine that is.

Chapter 5

“WELCOME TO PHOBOS LAB MARINE. ENJOY YOUR STAY.” said the robot voice of the elevator as it came to a stop. “Heh, I wish.” said Doomguy. As soon as he stopped off he was standing in front of a giant pool of toxic waste. “Damn. More of this stuff again. Time to run.” he said, running across the caustic, slimy muck. “Doesn’t look like anyone’s around. Maybe this will be easy.” Just as Doomguy said that, he heard a pig sound like the ones the demons made. But he didn’t see a demon. He just saw like a cloud of flies or something. But that cloud was coming right for him! “Let’s see if clouds can bleed.” said Doomguy, emptying his trusty shotgun into the cloud. With a snort and a groan, the cloud fell down. It was more like fog now. Dead fog. Doomguy walked into a big room with a balcony. The balcony was overlooking a big pool of that toxic waste. If it wasn’t so damn toxic it might be beautiful. It was green like spinach. Doomguy missed eating spinach with his girl back home in the Bronx. But that was another life. Another time. Who knows where Ashley was by now. Wherever she was she was probably with Marc. Doomguy hated Marc. One time in third grade Marc beat up Doomguy. Doomguy showed him up years later when he joined the Marines. On the day Doomguy was leaving on the spaceship to go to Mars, he ran into Marc on the future subway while leaving the Bronx.  “Have fun not being in the Marines, loser. I’ve got Mars stuff to do. Later skater.” Doomguy had said to Marc, with a grin. Marc looked defeated. But just then Ashley showed up and felt bad for Marc. Doomguy hated Marc. “Screw ‘em, Doomguy. They’re stuck on Earth and we get to do cool Mars stuff.” That’s what Private Chiblonsky had said to Doomguy when he finally got to Mars. Private Chiblonsky was Doomguy’s Mars friend. Doomguy wondered where Chiblonsky was now. He was probably okay. He was a Marine, after all. “The suspense is killing me.” said Doomguy. “Time to move on.” And he did.

Doom: The Novel Chapters 2 & 3

Hell has come to Mars. When we last saw him, Doomguy was battling the forces of Hell in the Phobos Hangar. Covered in blood, he wiped his space helmet and continued on. Let us now go back to Mars and continue the story of DOOM.

Chapter 2

“What does this do?” Doomguy said to himself while he pushed a button. It was a button on a big panel. There was a red light, and it turned into a green light when he pushed the button! Suddenly he heard a voice say “Welcome to Level 2, the nuclear plant!”Doomguy was now in a different place. It was dark. Dark as the night is dark. Too dark. “I guess I’ll walk over here.” said Doomguy. “Hrm, looks like an elevator. I wonder where it goes?” Doomguy pushed the button for the elevator. The elevator came down, and he walked into it. Suddenly a bald guy with a shotgun appeared. “AAAARGH!” said the bald shotgun man. He was fast, but Doomguy was more fast. He smoked him with his pistol. Dead. “Now that;s a horse of a different color. A different dead color.” said Doomguy as he blew the smoke from the barrel of his pistol. He walked over to the dead bald guy and grabbed the shotgun from his cold dead hands. “ I think I need this more than you do now.” he said, nonchalantly. Suddenly more bad guys showed up and Doomguy went through a maze with flashing lights. Somehow he ended up in another room. It felt like a secret room. In the room there was a chainsaw. Doomguy grinned. “Time to find some meat now.” ;-) Doomguy always thought it was weird that they had chainsaws on Mars. Trees hadn’t existed on Mars for centuries. It wasn’t until he discovered that the General liked ice sculptures that the chainsaws made sense, because chainsaws are good for making ice sculptures. If there was one thing they had a lot of on Mars, other than red dirt, it was ice. In fact it’s cold as hell. He walked up some stairs to another elevator. “Well here goes nothin’. Maybe this will take me out of this place?” He elevatored his way out of there. LEVEL 2 OVER!

Chapter 3

“Looks like I’m in the Toxin Refinery. Could be worse.” he chuckled to himself quietly. He was in a room with a dead guy. He opened the door into a big room with a pit of green acid in the middle. There were bad guys all over. There were barrels of toxic waste on either side. He was shooting one of the bad guys and accidentally shot one of the barrels. It exploded and it blew up the bad guys what were standing close to it. There were guts everywhere! Blood and guts! “Oh barf, that’s gross!” said Doomguy, gasping. There was a big door and he tried to go through it. It wouldn’t open. Then he noticed there were blue lights on either side of the big door. “Huh, guess I’ll need the BLUE KEY CARD to get through here. He turned around and hoofed it in the opposite direction. He went into a door on the opposite side of the big room. He killed some bad guys and noticed a weird glowing blue ball. It had a face on it and was floating. “What in the hell is this thing? Maybe it’ll come in handy.” The blue ball seemed like it might help, so Doomguy touched it. “Hell yeah let’s go kick some asses!” he said, reloading his shotgun. He jumped up some stairs into another room. After he wiped out a few bad guys he noticed a weapon in the middle of the room. It was a rocket launcher. He picked it up and said “It’s rocket time!” He went to another room and found a really big gun. It was a chaingun. It’s like a normal machine gun but it can shoot a lot more bullets really more. “This is like Christmas, on Mars.” Doomguy was on Mars. He started walking through some dark halls. “These halls are dark.” he said, peering around a corner. All of a sudden he saw something scarier than he’s ever seen before. It looked like a cow was walking on it’s hind legs and had alopecia. It was a demon. “Wwwwwhut is that tttthing?” thought Doomguy fearfully. But Doomguy didn’t have time to be scared. He was a Marine. A US Marine. US Marines don’t lie, cheat, or steal. Or get scared. They were tough cookies. REAL tough cookies. Doomguy jumped around the corner, screaming. He unloaded the chaingun right in the demon’s face. It snorted like a pig and fell down, bloody. “They look like they’re from Hell.” he thought. Suddenly on a shelf close by he saw the blue key card. It was glowing. He slipped it into his pocket and walked on. Time to unlock that door. He unlocked that door and got on a special elevator. There was a sign overhead. “<SECRET ELEVATOR. ADVANCED PERSONNEL ONLY. THIS WAY TO MILITARY BASE>” read the sign. “Adios muchachos” yelled Doomguy as he rode the elevator.

Doom: The Novel Chapter 1

The other day I read this novelization of the game Doom, and it was awful. I decided to write my own version and publish it on the internet for free, with minimal editing. Enjoy.

Prologue

“Magnetic measurement is at 400% sir!” Private Chiblonsky shouted. “Keep going! We need to reach 1000%! We can’t give up now. We’re almost there!” said Major Brooks. Chiblonsky and Brooks were Marines stationed on Mars. They were in charge of the Martian Science Unit, or MSU. They were working with the Union Aerospace Corporation, or UAC, on teleporter technology. Teleporters are like elevators, but they go through the air. They were banned on Earth. On Mars, though, well, let’s just say they were legal. They were developing new teleporters to use on Earth. It would make them all rich. Real rich. With worldwide peace the Marines were in danger of going out of business. Teleporters business with UAC seemed like a good idea. “Sir, I don’t think it will hold! Sir!” shouted Chiblonsky. “Hold it together ma--...” Brooks tried to reply, but it was too late. The teleporter exploded. Suddenly it was like a tornado happened, but in a room. Then from the middle of the tornado brown guys covered with spikes and bizarre pink monsters began to spill forth. Hell had come to Mars. Big time.

Chapter 1

Doomguy woke up in the Phobos Hangar. He had been passed out. For how long? He didn’t know. What did he know? He knew he was a Marine and he knew his name was Doomguy. He was on Mars with the Marines doing Mars stuff when something bad happened. Somehow hell happened. Hell happened on Mars. He had no choice but to start walking forward. Marines don’t just stand around. Marines go and fight. Time to fight. He turned the corner. There was a green-haired guy with a gun. It was a bad guy. Doomguy shot him two times. The bad guy screamed and fell down. Another bad guy came up. He looked just like the first one. Doomguy shot him too. He fell down and screamed just like the first bad guy. Suddenly a naked brown guy with spikes coming out of his skin and another one of the green-haired bad guys showed up. “More bad guys?” Doomguy thought to himself. “Hell of a day to quit drinkin’.” Doomguy shot them too, but not before the brown guy could shoot at Doomguy. He made a fireball come out of his hands? “What kind of guy is this!” shouted Doomguy. Thankfully this brown guy bled just like everyone else. Bled and died. “What the hell is going on here?” he thought, wiping the blood from the front of his space helmet. Doomguy was wearing a space helmet.

Ten Things From The 90s That You'll Never Get To Experience Again

The 90s were an awesome time to be an American. The economy was in great shape, there was no TSA at the airport to molest you every time you dared to fly on a plane, and for most of the decade we had a super hip saxophone playin' President who didn't like gay marriage but was totally on board with infidelity. Here, in no particular order, are ten things from that bygone era that you'll never get to experience again. 

1. 1990

2. 1991

3. 1992

4. 1993

5. 1994

6. 1995

7. 1996

8. 1997

9. 1998

10. 1999